Conversations After
by LizaL
Summary: Take place very shortly after ME1. Shenko fluff. Rated M for suggestive scenes and foul language.  Real marines swear dammit! Appearances by Garrus, Liara and Joker. R&R.


_A/N: All is Bioware and I own nothing...yet. R&R. Thanks._

Conversations After

If ever there was a time to celebrate, it was now. Two weeks ago, after the battle of the citadel, there had been too much to take stock of, let alone do. We hadn't just survived, we'd saved the entire galaxy. Though the majority of the credit belong to and was lavished on Shepard, we all had our part to play. I mean it when I say the crew of the Normandy is the best I've every served with. Out of all of my assignments, there's never been a crew more dedicated, more thorough, more damned good at their jobs. Of course the reason being the bar being set high thanks to the likes of Shepard, and before her Captain Anderson.

The Normandy was docked, repairs, which were already underway, had become more earnest, and we were finally being rewarded for our efforts. The endless parade of gala functions, media interviews, official commendations and such didn't count. Most of us didn't give a rat's ass over that sort of pageantry and were just waiting for the brass to finally clue in. For once they didn't disappoint. Three weeks shore leave, for everyone on board. Finally, after everything, we felt like we could slow down. It was only natural to throw a party, and there was no better local then the Normandy herself. After all, most of us viewed her as crew member in her own right. It couldn't take place until the night before the leave, the crew being too busy with their duties, and no one was going to stick around for a party once leave had actually begun, regardless of how close we'd all become. Preparations for the party began almost immediately after the idea first started circulating around the crew deck. All that was needed was the O.K from Shepard herself. Pressely was going to ask, but he ended up not needing to. She broached the subject herself, asking if he was going to partake, then said she would probably stop by. And with that everyone started counting the days, many of us just as anxious for the party as for the leave itself.

I hadn't seen or talked to Shepard as much as I would've liked. She had her orders, meaning she had to put in more face time then all of us combined. It wasn't just for the people back home. The Asari, the Turians, every intergalactic race wanted to see her, hear her, and give her some sort of medal as their heartfelt thanks for what she'd done. When she on board, she looked exhausted, honestly more so then when we were chasing down Saren. She held up well, as she always did, and I don't think most of the crew noticed. The sad thing was Shepard was probably not going to get a shore leave. For the three weeks time, she wouldn't have to issue orders, instead just following commands of be here, say this, shake hands, look heroic. I don't know of anything more cruel. There would be moments she'd sneak for herself, and there was also the very distinct possibility, if they pushed her too far, she would just take up and leave on her own. Either way, I wanted to talk to her before leave started, and I knew there wouldn't be an appropriate time until the party.

I was standing on the crew deck, drink in hand, listening to Joker incredulously asking Liara about her past drinking habits. Turns out she didn't have any. Had she been human, I could have believed a brainy intellectual like her would have never so much as touched a drink, but to be 106 years old and never having been drunk once in your life was mind boggling.

" Asari can get drunk can't they?"

"Of course we can Jeff"

"So why don't you?"

"I'd much rather observe, this is a curious custom"

"What exactly are you referring to?"

"This "getting drunk", for celebratory reasons. Wouldn't the experience be all the more satisfactory if you were able to experience it with your senses fully intact? What's the point of celebrating at all if by tomorrow morning you have no memory of the previous night?"

"Do all Asari feel the same way about alcohol as you do?"

"No, most definitely not"

" Come on Liara, get drunk with me"

" What? Why?"

" Because I think it would be fun"

"I've heard human males will sometimes encourage females to drink to excess so as to be more easily persuaded into sexual activity"

"No Liara, trust me, I don't want to sleep with you"

"Then why are you trying to convince me to become intoxicated?"

"Because I think seeing you drunk maybe more fun then having sex"

to which I heard Garrus reply " Spoken like a man who hasn't had any in a while".

As much as I was enjoying this conversation, my mind turned else where as soon as she walked in. I wasn't the only one. We were all anxious to see her, and in many ways she was the guest of honour. As soon as she walked in, there was a crew member there to greet her, shake her hand, and tell her how glad they were she came. In her own way, Shepard was grateful for the multitude of thanks she was constantly receiving, but no more so then for that which she got from her crew. It was with us her concern really relied. She was always the commander, the woman in charge, and though she held herself apart from us, but for the most part, not above us. Turns out, she wasn't opposed to making the odd friend here and there among her crew, and always relied on a wide source of people from which to defer to. There was Garrus, Liara, Tali, Presley, to a lesser extent Joker and occasionally, when need be, any one else on the crew. There was also me, and there had been Ashley. Shepard relied on all of us just as much as we relied on her, and though most people would say this was a no brainer, on no other ship was this felt more so then on the Normandy.

She walked over to Tucks, and with good reason. Tucks, a lowly member of the engine crew, had extra reason to celebrate tonight. Three days ago, his wife had given birth to a baby girl. There was an unspoken custom within the Alliance Navy, whenever a crew member missed an important event back home, you did everything to make sure they didn't feel the regret. This was especially the case with the birth of a child. You cheered them on, you offered them a abundance of congratulations, you smoked cigars, you toasted the kid, and did just about whatever to ensure they focused on the positive, and not the negative. Tonight was no different, despite the fact he would be seeing her tomorrow. I saw Tuck smile as Shepard came over, shook her hand, and pulled out the holo of his baby girl. Shepard smiled and must have told Tucks how beautiful she was. Next I saw him order a shot, or two as it turned out, one obviously meant for him, and the other for Shepard. She didn't refuse his request, taking the drink in hand and slamming it back in one quick and easy motion, simultaneously with Tucks. Those congregated around them gave out a cheer. It was nice to see her slightly more relaxed. After it was all done, she politely removed herself, and started to circulate herself around the room. Everything was informal tonight, no one saluted or stood to attention, but I think everyone their wanted to shaker her hand before shuffling off for leave tomorrow. She couldn't get more then two feet before another member of the crew was upon her. She acquiesced to all of them. Eventually she made her way over to our little group, where I'm sure she wanted to be all along.

Garrus was the first person she acknowledge.

" How goes it?"

" Fine Shepard, yourself?"

" Good"

"Good to hear it"

" How about the rest of you?"

" We're all good ma'am" was my reply.

"I'm great" replied Joker, who seemed to have decided if he couldn't get Liara drunk he would drink enough for the both of them.

"That's nice" said Shepard, with just an air of sarcasm.

"You don't find it troubling your pilot is heavily intoxicated Shepard?" Asked Liara

" So long as he's not actually flying the damn ship, I am fine with it" she said.

"What?" we all heard Joker pipe in " I fly better when I'm drunk".

Shepard smirked " Let's not test that, shall we?"

It was nice to hear her voice in something other the an official capacity but my patients was wearing thin. I knew she wasn't going to stay for the entire night, but it surprised me that her special appearance was taking longer then expected.

"Looking forward to some time off the ship Ma'am?" I asked, hoping I could gleam some hidden meaning from her answer.

" Yes, I think it would be good to get away for a while"

"WHAT!" Joker again "That's sacrilege commander. Why would anyone every want to leave the Normandy?"

"You're going to have to tomorrow Joker"

" No ma'am" was his answer " just leave me here with whatever booze we have left over, two or three Asari consorts and I'll be fine. Now that's a shore leave"

we all laughed

" I doubt the consorts would see it that way" I said " probably be asking the Goddess what they'd done to deserve such a cruel fate"

" Consorts provide more then just sex Jeff" said Liara " they provide pleasure for the mind as well as the body"

"Yeah, but its the body I'm really after"

"Jeff, you appear to have an Asari fetish" I saw Shepard stifle a laugh.

"On that note I think I should get going"

"So soon commander?" asked Garrus

" I still have things I've got to do tomorrow, leave or no. You all continue to have a great time" and with that she turned and walked away.

I stuck around for another thirty minutes or so, leaving Garrus, Joker and Liara, and circulating the room trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. I slowly manoeuvred my way to the exit, and when I felt confident no one would notice, I slipped out. I made my way to her chambers. I wasn't in the mood to talk, so as soon as I was let in I walked straight up to her and kissed her hard on the mouth. Two weeks, and had it been any other woman, I could have easily berried myself in my duties, even when they consisted of photo opts, interviews and standing around. With Shepard it wasn't so easy. I kept thinking about the night before Ilos, which in turn ,made me think of our next encounter, if and when it ever happened. I knew it was going to be different, circumstances having played a big part in making Ilos so memorable, I just wondered how. It was different. First time around we'd taken our time, trying to draw it out, hoping to let the pleasure last. It was a means of getting to know one another, our likes and dislikes, the feel of each others bodies, and driven by the fact that it was very likely the last time for both of us. That itself spoke volumes, knowing the likelihood we'd never be doing this again, ever, yet it felt comfortable, even right, that we had chosen each other. This time around, I knew what she wanted and was better prepared to give it to her. It was still great, but I had to wonder if Shepard and I would ever have sex like a normal couple. By that I mean not having to wait so long and with all this built up tensions that makes it so there's this desperation. Couldn't we ever just have sex for sex's sake?

Afterwards, to my surprise, she stayed up, opting to remain lying next to me while I gently stroked the contours of her body. We stayed silent for a while, her eyes closed, but still awake, neither one of us willing to speak. It was a comfortable, relaxing silence, very indicative of our relationship. We somehow managed to understand one another perfectly without saying anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. She was the one to finally break the silence.

"Tuck's baby girl" she said, somewhat sleepily.

"Judith" I replied.

"She's cute"

"Yep"

"Hell of a thing though, deciding to be a parent when your in this line of work"

" Are you saying you don't want kids?"  
She winced in disapproval.

"This isn't a conversation we're not supposed to have until we've had sex at least a few dozen times, which at the rate we're going, won't be until I'm well past child baring age"

I laughed "I'm just curious, it's not like I asked you to bare my seed right here and now" This time she laughed.

"But honestly, are you really so against the idea? I mean your a space brat, was your childhood really that bad?"

My question wiped the smile off her face. She took some time to answer, and before doing so let out a sigh "No" she said "It wasn't so bad. I think I handled it better then most. It's just I was always acutely aware my upbringing wasn't conventional"

"So" I said " An unconventional upbringing for an unconventional lady, an extraordinary one at that. It all turned out pretty well for you"

"And for you" she retorted "But did you ever wonder if you would have enlisted if your dad wasn't Alliance?"  
"Yes" I said "But not for long"  
"Me too. I think I got along fine because I always knew, on some level at least, I was going join the Alliance. The sacrifices my parents made never bothered me that much, because I...I don't know, because I guess I felt they would help me prepare for the sacrifices I would have to make later"

I lay listening to her talk and a smile crept on my lips. I had missed this almost as much as the sex. Her opening up to me, almost seeming like a different person, but still the same strong and pragmatic Shepard. I liked how I got to see a side of her no one else did. I also loved how despite the time that had passed, we still found ourselves falling into the same pattern of being completely honest with each other, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"...but that's not what your supposed to do for kids. Your supposed to try and make everything as conventional as possible to ensure they're happy."  
"Says who?"  
"Uh uh. I'm done. I am not going to talk to you any longer on this subject, I told you before Alenko, it's too soon. Where's the Alenko I know who always proceeds with caution?"

"He feels no need to be cautious around you" I said, to which she smiled and kissed me, the shifted closer so as to press her body into mine. Her way of saying thank you. I was going to take this opportunity to initiate round two when she looked up to me "My parents were unfaithful to one another." That little confession was quite the mood killer.

"I'm sorry"  
"I got over it"

"When did you first find out?"  
"When I was thirteen"

"Must have been hard."

"I coped."

"How did you find out?"

"First it was my Dad. Ships doctor. At first I thought they were just friends, but then I caught them one day, together, not doing anything wrong per say, except standing obscenely close to one another. The way they broke apart, the guilty look on their faces, and I just knew. Nothing was ever explicitly stated but I asked if I could go back to my mother shortly after and my father agreed. I found out about my mother through more active means."

" Must have made you pissed"

"For a while yes. Now I realize their human. They were separated from each other for months at a time. The only thing I wonder is why bother?"  
"Because they had a kid together? because they loved each other?"

"Still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me"

"So is what your saying is, if we were to be assigned to different ships, that would end it?"  
"Jesus!"

"Why bring it up then?"

"Point taken" Again she went silent as she thought out what next to say. She was taking longer then expected so I jumped to give my two sense. The course of our relationship was not going to be decided by Shepard alone.

"It's not ideal, but it is what it is. I knew from my own parents experience what I would have to expect if I were ever to get serious with someone. I still think its worth it. Beats the alternative anyways."  
" Yep" is all she said.

"I just have one question"

"What it is?"  
"Your mother by any chance didn't fool around with a subordinate."

She hit me with her pillow "Shut up Alenko!"

The rest of the night went by on a much happier note. We ended up getting roughly three hours of sleep, when all was said and done. It didn't matter much, I was spending my shore leave on the citadel in my apartment, meaning my first day of leave was spent doing fuck all but lying in bed, making it most likely the first time in my life I was content doing nothing. Shepard came by later in the evening exhausted. I didn't bother asking how her day was, I know she didn't want to talk about it. I poured her wine, she drank two glasses, then fell asleep nuzzled under my arm on the couch. I carried her to bed, stripped her naked, then lay down next to her. This wasn't how I hoped the evening would go but Shepard needed time to rest, both mentally and physically, and I didn't have the heart to test just how far her endurance could go. We both slept peacefully. When I woke up in the morning, she was already gone.

The first week and a half was spent with friends, or by myself, trying to make the most of my shore leave. It was fun, but disappointing at the same time. I tried not to dwell on how badly I wanted Shepard there. I knew she could make an appearance at any moment, and even though It made me feel incredibly whipped, I put myself at the ready to drop whatever I was doing to go be with her. She finally called while I was out drinking with a few buddies of mine. They playfully chided me as I left, and I heard one of them say "whoever she is, I hope she's worth it". She was at the apartment, I had given her a key, still fully clothed, which I quickly rectified. Again, I didn't waste anytime talking, man of action that I am. Having her there was a little maddening, however. I didn't want the rest of my shore leave to be like this. I wanted her around, and I began to wonder why wasn't she? She wasn't happy, she was stressed, and I couldn't see how either were beneficial, both at the present time and in the long run, when the Reapers finally decided to make their appearance. I finally decided I wasn't going to remain silent any longer.

"So, about shore leave" I piped in

"Can't you just let me bask in the afterglow."

"Just wondering what good are you getting in not having any"

"If I did take time off, the council will come and find me, probably send another spectre to do so" "That's a little paranoid"

"Soldiers get shore leave, Spectres don't"

"Would have been nice if they had mentioned that before recruiting you"

"Wouldn't have made a difference, I never used to care for shore leave"

"And now?"

"Don't get cocky, but yes, because for the first time ever I'm actually enjoying what little time I have off."

"And Ashley thought I was the work-workaholic"

"You are"

" Fair enough, but if you really want to take your shore leave, what's the problem?"

"The problem is I don't have the time"

"Then make the time" My voice taking becoming insistent.

She sighed, then sat herself upright on the bed. Her posture stiffened and she folded her hands in front of her. It was her "official" stance, which I found a little funny given the present circumstances of her fantastic breasts being exposed.

"Kaidan I'm sorry, I really am, but it's just not going to happen"

"Because the council won't let you?"

"Because the council won't let me"

For he first time since I began my relationship with Shepard, I was pissed off. Okay, really more annoyed, but still.

" Bullshit!" I said, calling her out " You never got through a single comm link without cutting off the council, and now you're trying to tell me you're willing to let them take your shore leave from you? That sounds like the Shepard I know. The one who lied, cheated and stole her way into saving the galaxy"

Saying this out loud actually made me feel more angry. I had made a good point.

" What could they possibly need you to do at this point in time that's so damn important?"

she laughed a little, a response I wasn't expecting

" I guess I could lie to you and say it's top secret Spectre stuff, but I won't"

The gesture abated my anger somewhat as I waited for her to tell me what the fuck was going on. Lying to me would have been easier, but she hadn't. I appreciated that.

" It is bullshit. For the time being they don't really need me, but they want me around. They're not taking the threat of Sovereign seriously, I think it hurt them. You know how they are, they act like their infallible. They think my being right has somehow jeopardized their standing in the Universe."

I thought about what she said, and it all made sense, but it still didn't answer my question

"And this makes you want to play along why?"

" They want me close at hand so it gives off the appearance they have control over their Spectres, Saren also being something of an embarrassment. And for now I feel it's prudent to do as they ask."

And still she hadn't answered why she felt this need to pander, but her words got the gears moving inside of my head. Obviously hoping I would come to the realization myself, Shepard was silent. Eventually I got there.

"Because it's not over" I finally said " The Reaper threat"

she gazed down and nodded slightly " But I don't think they understand that. I've tried telling them, Anderson's tried telling them, at first they agreed, but now, it's "we have to look into the funds, it maybe too much to ask of our Allies," and I know what comes next. "There's no strong evidence Sovereign was anything other then Seran's ship." They are going to deny outright that the battle with Saren was anything other then an isolated incident. I maybe the Savior of the Citadel, but I don't think I can go up against the Council, and I don't think I want to."

" They would do whatever they can to tarnish your reputation, and humanities along with it" I said

"And I won't let that happen. Not after the strides we made, and not when we need them, the Council, and the help of all the intergalactic races. We cannot do this alone"

I sighed defeated. Shepard was thinking ahead, as always, and she was right, as always. Duty first, that was something we both had agreed upon. It was of the utmost importance for both of us. Shepard had her duty, I had mine.

"Okay then" I said.

"I'm sorry Kaidan, I really ruined your shore leave"

"No you didn't"

"Sure I did. I should have insisted you go somewhere fun, far away from me."

"That doesn't sound like much fun to me"

"I'll make it up to you. I don't know how or when but I will, I promise"

"Oh I have a few ideas"  
"If you were referring to sex, you were going to get that regardless"

"What about sex with sexy lingerie, maybe the uniform from Chora's Den, or role playing?"  
"Role playing! what role playing do you want to get into?"

"I'm a intergalactic space hero who saves your home planet from utter destruction and your fellow colonist offer you up as a reward"

She burst out laughing.

"Alenko, you act all chivalrous, but your as bad as the rest"

"I have needs Shepard"

We managed to have a good time, mostly just talking, and not about anything heavy either. This time when she left I was awake. I kissed her goodbye.

I was a little sad, but otherwise okay. I wasn't going to let it effect the rest of my shore leave. I would be able to relax, keep my mind off things, knowing this was the way it was supposed to be. When I thought about it I didn't want it any other way. I had gotten to spend some time with her, and I had made the most of it. That was enough. I was fully convinced of all of this, I had fully accepted the situation as it was, so it was a shock when that very evening, Shepard stormed into the apartment and said "Fuck the council!".

I smirked "Of course you don't mean that literally"  
"I've had enough"

"Shepard, you made some excellent points last night for appeasement"

"Fuck appeasement! when has that ever worked?"  
" Are you saying your taking your shore leave after all?"  
"What I have left of it, yes"

I smiled, and felt my heart start racing with excitement. I was happy even just to hear her say those words, but the pragmatist in me quickly took over.

"You said you needed to play along, you had perfectly valid reasons for doing so"

"And I will. After this. I need this. I told the council they can say it was their idea."

"Duty first Shepard" And I could have kicked myself for saying so, but I would have hated myself more if I hadn't.

"It's in the Council and the Alliance's best interest to have me in top shape. I need shore leave to be so. Every one has their breaking point Kaidan, and I'm fast approaching mine"

She had made her point, I didn't doubt all she said was true, but there was more to it then just that.

"That's all? That's what it takes for you to take your leave Shepard? There's nothing else?"

She didn't look at me. I waited for her to muster up whatever she needed in order to say whatever it was she needed to say.

"I don't want you to be the one to make all the sacrifices." she said.

"I don't feel like I have been"  
"I do"

"Why's that?"  
" I just feel you deserve better. It's not the only reason I have for taking some time off, but I was hoping it was something of a start. Just want you to know, from now on, I'll always try to meet you half way, maybe even more then half way, whenever I can"

"Half way is fine" I said "It's not all on you to make this work Shepard, not like almost everything else in the universe" she smiled, and I liked that I was the cause of it.

"So far you haven't made me do anything I haven't fully and completely wanted to do, and I can't think of any sacrifice I've made that you haven't also. So stay because you need the rest, stay because you want to spend time with me, but don't stay because you feel some obligation towards me". She smiled and looked at me affectionately. "Kay" is all she said in a rather deadpan manner.

I just held her for a while, feeling happy, ecstatically so. I was going to have a week with Shepard. I had hoped for something like this, but a good soldier hopes for the best, expects the worst. Still, If I had learned anything from my time with Shepard, it was carpe fucking Diem. Time was something we always seemed to be in short supply of, and that wasn't going to change anytime soon. So I was sure as hell going to seize the day, and the next, and whatever other increments of time I had left with Shepard.


End file.
